what people say

(First three months)

I want to say right at the start that I have never believed in any kind of afterlife. I still don't (although I wish there were a magic place where David and I could live together for eternity, preferable aged 20 but with wisdom, and lots of wine and coffee.) You live, you die, you are gone. As a child terrified of death the thought that being dead was like not being born yet was a consolation. There was no fear associated with not having been born yet.

Within David's circle of friends (some of whom are now my friends) there are people who believe other things. Past lives, auras, energy fields, shamanic spirit work, dreams. Many of these people have shared their beliefs with me, offered to help me deal with his life to death transition, talked about a dream they had in the weeks before he died in which he came to say goodbye, seeing him at the memorial concert, messages received by a medium in written form.  (Well, if David were going to communicate in any way it would definitely be in writing. He was a brilliant writer. However, were he writing at the same pace he did when he was alive, the message would have come through six years rather than six weeks later. But that's a detail.)

Unless it were my children and his closest friends, the people who had come to the hospital, I didn't care about their beliefs and experiences. Some people are quite persistent. Telling me multiple times that David and I will definitely be reunited in a future life is neither helpful nor interesting to me. I can't and won't even pretend to be comforted in order to make you feel better.   (The good Lizzie said that she honoured and respected those experiences, but they belonged to the sharer, and not to me. The very sad Lizzie just wanted to say STFU. )

Soothers said, "They are just trying to help. People don't know what to say and do"

My response, "Fine, I will explain to them how to help and how not to help." And often did.