Seven and a half months
"Seven and a half cents" is a song from the musical The Pajama Game. David was in that show in Grade 12. I went to see him perform and fell in love with him. Well, a 15 year old crush. He was nearly 17. Turned out he really liked me as well, and tried to tell and show me for two years, but I just was not ready. I didn't get it.
Seven and a half months since he died, and the waves of grief are still intense. Suddenly that reality floods over me one more time, "I am never going to see him again." Then it's not about the plans we didn't carry out, or the fact that we didn't say goodbye. It is just that he is gone.
Nobody really wants to see me cry any more, and nobody can really do anything to help. So I cry in private or in public places where nobody will question it.
When that happens, the 40 years when we did not see each other get compressed into nothing. Forty years during which I met my first love, got married, studied, had three wonderful children, ended up suddenly separated, watched and helped the children grow up into amazing adults, started and finished a 22 year teaching career and had many adventures. In those grief filled moments it feels as if I had just been treading water for 40 years. Of course this is not true. He had a complete lifetime as well.
And, really, it is now irrelevant. He is dead. I am alive.
Seven and a half months since he died, and the waves of grief are still intense. Suddenly that reality floods over me one more time, "I am never going to see him again." Then it's not about the plans we didn't carry out, or the fact that we didn't say goodbye. It is just that he is gone.
Nobody really wants to see me cry any more, and nobody can really do anything to help. So I cry in private or in public places where nobody will question it.
When that happens, the 40 years when we did not see each other get compressed into nothing. Forty years during which I met my first love, got married, studied, had three wonderful children, ended up suddenly separated, watched and helped the children grow up into amazing adults, started and finished a 22 year teaching career and had many adventures. In those grief filled moments it feels as if I had just been treading water for 40 years. Of course this is not true. He had a complete lifetime as well.
And, really, it is now irrelevant. He is dead. I am alive.
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